


Almost there

by Pampermousse



Category: Generation Kill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 13:56:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18012212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pampermousse/pseuds/Pampermousse
Summary: Just a few scenes exploring a developing relationship with Brad and Nate. Kind of angsty.





	Almost there

1

In Iraq there is Nate with the kevlar and Nate without it. Nate without it seems impossibly young and Brad has a hard time taking him as seriously as he deserves to be taken. But when the kevlar comes on Brad has no trouble standing to attention for real, having total respect for Nate’s authority. And the more time they spend together in Iraq he starts to not really distinguish between the two Nates. And one time, he catches himself watching Nate, that low grade something in his stomach before he even realises that Nate’s head is bare. That’s when he knows he’s fucked. 

It feels like Nate seeks him out but he’s not sure. It could also be him making himself available for shooting the shit, discussing tactics, some friendly advice that Nate appreciates and uses. But there are instances when Nate could have spoken with Mike but he speaks with him instead, and Brad’s not that far up his own ass that he thinks it’s because he is somehow so superior to Mike but if not that, then what? He knows they have an easy bond and they both enjoy each other’s company. He knows conversation with Nate will be interesting and intelligent no matter what the subject matter is and Brad appreciates that. But he wonders what Nate is getting from it all.  
Nate asks him about his ex-fiancee one time.

“You have someone back home?”

“Did. The distance was a bitch, more so for her apparently.”

“I don’t know how people manage to have functioning relationships and stay in.”

“I don’t know how people manage to have functioning relationships full stop Sir,” he says with a smile. “You don’t have a girl waiting for you back home?”

“Definitely not.” Nate says and they way he had said it bothered Brad for a while, like he was saying ‘as if’ - he understood it later of course.

 

At the end in Iraq, in the cigarette factory, the men talk about the first things they’re gonna do stateside. Nate holds himself back from the group but listens and laughs all the same. The usual variation of bathing, fucking, drinking and sleeping does the rounds. When it’s Nate’s turn Brad turns to look at him but Nate avoids his gaze.

“About the same as everyone. A good shower, some proper food and a good bed.” Nate says good-humouredly.

“Anyone in that bed Sir?” Poke asks with a grin

And Brad feels hot and uncomfortable and Nate’s still avoiding his eye. 

“Don’t want to be too greedy.” Nate replies and Brad doesn’t know why it feels like Nate’s speaking directly to him. It makes no fucking sense and it’s surely a sign he’s going insane in this godforsaken place.

The men eventually disperse and Brad hangs back like he senses Nate doing. 

“Back when we’re stateside Brad. Get in touch. We should get a drink.” Nate’s looking at him now. Looking at him direct in the eye and Brad understood. 

 

2

Nate watches from the breakfast counter as Brad opens and closes various cupboards, brow furrowed, trying to find something. He flashbacks to Brad organising through his gear in the Humvee, the same movements and expression on his face and he has that out of body experience he sometimes has, where he can’t believe that this is his life. Which means he should be grateful for this which he never thought would happen. Instead of feeling that it’s not enough. 

“Nate.”  
Nate snaps back to reality.

“Why have you hidden your frying pan?” Brad asks.

Nate isn’t successful in stopping a smile and gets down, walks around the corner and reaches past Brad to the cupboard below him. Doesn’t look at Brad until he has the frying pan in his hand. He’s a little breathless like this, which is ridiculous as this thing they’ve got going has been ongoing for too long for him to break out in blushes through just proximity.

Brad looks down at him, an eyebrow raised but stays mercifully silent. Nate makes a slow retreat back to his counter stool on the other side.

“I don’t think I’ve ever see you cook more than a fried egg.” Nate says for something to say.

“Who’s to say that isn’t what I’m doing right now?” Brad asks him but he’s taking some steaks out. 

“I’m not fussy,” is all Nate says and watches silently as Brad works. He’s wearing a worn-in light blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up exposing his tanned arms. The front buttons are mostly undone and Nate is struck for the millionth time by how ludicrously hot Brad is. He’s biased of course but still. He feels it can be stated as an objective fact. 

“See something you like?” Brad asks and the words are teasing and flirtatious but it comes out tense. 

“You look good in that shirt.” Nate says and Nate can count on one hand the number of compliments he’s ever given Brad. Not because he doesn’t want to – he spends a significant amount of time biting his tongue to stop anything too embarrassing coming out. But because he’s never entirely sure of the response. 

Brad looks at him and then smiles suddenly, “You should see me in a suit,” Brad says and now his teasing tone matches the words. Nate smiles back, “cocky motherfucker,” is all he says. 

They hooked up after Iraq a few times but Brad was going to England and Nate was going to college and they both knew it wasn’t the time to get into anything more. Or at least that’s what Nate tells himself, he doesn’t really know Brad’s reasons, but he likes to assume. When Brad got back he came to visit him and things kicked off again except this time they made plans to meet after each time. And so it began. Nate knows he should be happy with this. He has Brad more often than he ever thought possible but too much is left unspoken. And Nate was never someone who needed to talk about his feelings in a relationship, was very grateful to avoid that thank you very much, but with Brad, he gets shivers when he thinks of the things Brad could say to him but doesn’t.

“I need to fly out earlier than planned. My parents want me to be at some family torture event.” Brad says over dinner. 

Brad had been due to stay another week but Nate swallows his disappointment. Brad’s family have more claim on him than he does and most of his leave has already been spent here. 

“It’s important to them I’m sure. You should go.” Nate says.

“I wasn’t asking permission.” Brad says, almost pissed.

“And I wasn’t fucking giving it. I was just saying fine and being supportive. Fuck.” Nate gets up and feels like throwing his plate in the dishwasher. This thing between them is fucking him up.

 

Later that evening Brad comes and finds him where he’s reading at his desk and leans over his shoulder, kissing his neck. He keeps reading, partly because he’s still pissed but also to maintain some dignity. 

“I warned you that I could be an asshole when we started this thing,” Brad murmurs.

“What thing would that be?”

“Sleeping together.”

“Right. Sleeping together.”

Nate’s silent but then words come out and he can’t stop himself. “It’s not much fun being the one to want this more. It’s fucking with me and I fucking hate it.”

He feels Brad step back away from him and he turns around to face him in the chair. Brad’s mouth is set into a hard line but his eyes are troubled.

“You’re assuming a lot.” Brad says after a while.

“Right, cause you’re always so verbose about that shit.” Nate bites back and can’t even make himself regret his tone because he’s just speaking the truth.

“Ok. I deserve that.”

Nate looks up in shock that Brad has given some ground and Brad looks back at him disappointed. “Jesus your opinion of me is low.”

Nate shakes his head firmly. Wants to make him see. “It’s not that, I assure you. Look, I don’t need much but - what are we doing here?”

“We’re seeing each other, sleeping together, whatever. I mean, what do you think we’re doing?”

And Nate realises that he asked the wrong question, it’s not what they’re doing but what he wants them to be doing. 

“Come to bed.” Brad says and he takes Nate’s hand.

 

Later, afterwards, Brad traces the lines of Nate’s face. His own face is soft and open, vulnerable almost. It’s always like this after. The sex is always intense but afterwards Brad is at his most tender. It makes all Nate’s doubts melt away.  
“  
I want this Nate. I don’t know how else to say it.” Brad says softly.

“You said it fine. I want this too,” he whispers

 

3

“So I heard through the grapevine that you’re banging the LT.” Ray says grinning. Ray called him on Facetime and God only knows what possessed Brad to answer with the video function on but everyone has off days.

“Which fucking grapevine would this be?” Brad asks evenly.

“The one where I call your family home and your mother informs me you’ve been on the East Coast visiting a friend for the past three weeks.” Ray says grinning wider, looking so fucking proud of himself.

He’ll have to have a word with his mother on the proper phone etiquette to employ with Ray Person which begins and ends with hanging up.

“Well, I am in fact visiting a friend Ray. Your intel is correct. What then happens to said intel in your fevered imagination I have no control over.” Brad says in a bored voice.

“Right homes. You play dumb. We both know what’s what.”

“Well, I certainly do.”

Ray rolls his eyes and his expression turns serious. “Just be careful homes, not everyone is as accepting and open-minded as your dear friend Ray here.”

“I think most people accept the fact that people have friends who they like to spend time with.” Brad says and honestly at this point, it’s mostly to fuck with Ray ‘cos Brad doesn’t think for a minute that Ray would have a problem with this thing he and Nate are doing but if he’s not talking about it with Nate, he’s definitely not talking about it with Ray.

“Whatever. I just hope you’re not being your emotionally constipated-self Brad. The LT seems to be the kind of dude who would want to talk about his feelings.”

“Bye Ray.” Brad hangs up cos he really has humoured Ray enough.

4

 

He’s due to meet Nate at a bar to watch some football game that Nate seemed mysteriously invested in. Brad gets there twenty minutes late and sees Nate talking to some guy. The guy’s clearly interested in Nate and Brad feels something curl up in his gut. He wants to lay claim, put a possessive hand on Nate, stand just a little bit too close. But Brad has never done himself any favours where this shit is concerned so he just hangs back and pretends to look unbothered. Nate spots him and waves him over, looking slightly embarrassed by the situation which begins to relax Brad. 

“Hey, got held up.” Brad says in greeting, putting a hand on Nate’s shoulder in the time-honoured greeting of heterosexual males. 

“No problem. Just got chatting with Peter here about the season, we were having a friendly disagreement,” and Nate smiles disarmingly at Peter who Brad finally deigns to glance at. 

“You managed to change my mind Nate.” Peter says laughing and Brad wants the ground to swallow him up. Peter is a handsome guy, Brad can admit this. Tall, dark-haired and with a swimmer’s build. It occurs to Brad that he doesn’t know Nate’s type. Peter could well be it.

“Nice to meet you Peter,” Brad says shaking his hand because contrary to popular belief Brad is able to function in polite society. 

“Well, thanks for the company Peter,” Nate says and Peter’s eyes crinkle at the ends when he smiles goodbye at Nate. 

They make their way to a booth and Brad makes a show of checking the menu trying to get his beating heart under control. He can feel Nate watching him and he pointedly refuses to look up.

“Everything ok?” Nate asks.

“Peachy Sir.” And he feels Nate’s frown at the Sir, but he can’t help himself.

“Good.”

“So what does Peter do?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask for his professional history.”

“He seemed awfully interested in you Nate.”

“He was a friendly guy.”

Brad just stares at Nate, making it clear what he thinks about that interpretation of events.

Nate rolls his eyes, “or maybe he was trying to pick me up? Who the fuck knows? I just… what’s bothering you right now?”

Brad concentrates on keeping his breathing even. Maybe he wants more than just sleeping with Nate. Maybe he wants something where he doesn’t have to second guess whether Nate’s going to leave him for the next Peter that crosses his path.

“Is he your type?” is what comes out of his mouth instead.

“My type?” and Nate smiles in amusement and the mood is suddenly lightened. Brad smiles back cos he can’t help himself when faced with Nate looking like he is.

“Yeah – tall, dark and handsome? I hear that’s the universally accepted standard of beauty.”

“Noticed he was handsome did you? Maybe I should be asking you whether he’s your type,” Nate teases.

“You’re my type.” Brad says before he can police himself and Nate smiles wider and then looks away. Brad can see him collecting himself, like how he used to do sometimes in Iraq when deciding how much of the bullshit to pass downhill and how much to keep to himself. That expression of Nate’s is all too familiar to Brad and he hates that he is the cause of it more often than not nowadays.

“You know, I saw a picture of you before I met you.” Nate says totally surprising him.

“What?”

“At Pendleton. Mike showed me photos of some of you. I remember thinking ‘fuck’ when I saw you.” Nate says grinning and embarrassed at the same time. “It was a few weeks before I met you all and I felt so out of my depth. Mike was great but I’m sure he could tell how nervous I was. I think it was his way of easing me in, telling me little bits and pieces about you guys. But when I saw your picture I just wondered how I was going to observe and not admire.” And Nate is speaking with that easy authority he has and Brad is entranced.

“And then I met you, and it was worse than I imagined. I stowed it away of course, being sure you were straight certainly helped – but I swear to God Brad, I think I had a fucking crush on you from the start.” Nate laughs at himself then and Brad grins back.

“And then during Iraq, I kept wondering you know? If it was too much wishful thinking or was there something really there?” Nate stops talking and looks at him. And Brad knows what Nate’s trying to tell him, to show him that Brad’s his type too, but of course he’s doing it in a much better way than Brad did and he laces his fingers through Nate’s across the table.

“That was very romantic Sir.” He says deadpan and sardonic but sure to convey with his eyes that he means every word. Nate rolls his eyes but looks happy and more relaxed than Brad has seen him lately. 

He wants to tell Nate that he’s trying, but that whenever he tries to get the words out to describe what he’s feeling it’s either inadequate or they just don’t come out. It’s like to verbalise any of this would be too much, too impossible.

“So what you’re saying is, you only wanted me for my looks. I’m disappointed Nate. I thought you were deeper.”

“I’m pretty shallow Brad. You’ll learn soon enough.” But Nate is teasing Brad’s leg under the table with his foot and Brad smiles back at him.

“It’s my last night here.”

“It is – when’s your next leave?”

“A couple of months.” And Brad actually bites down on his tongue to stop himself asking whether that’s going to be ok for Nate, meaning, will Nate wait. Cos there has to come a time when this is not enough for Nate. Even if things were perfect and Brad had easy access to his emotions this situation would still suck. And Brad knows he’s not giving Nate enough words, but he hopes he can read his actions instead.

Nate just nods. “I can come to California next time. I should be able to take some time off.”

Brad wonders how he can feel the yes and the no equally within his body. Brad has always travelled to Nate and the thought of Nate in his house, in his kitchen, on his sofa, in his bed is exhilarating but also a terror seized him asking hundreds of what if questions. Chief among them being what if someone sees Nate, there is no plausible way to explain it away. Brad is pretty sure that to anyone who knows them at all and who witnesses them together, no matter how discreet, will get a clue. Nate he’s sure sees all this play across his face and gives him an out, “on the other hand, why change a good thing right? If you’re happy to come here it’s fine. Probably safer.”

Brad squeezes Nate’s hand in response, thankful and ashamed all at once.

 

5

 

He calls Nate from California, in the yard of his parent’s place. As family events go, it wasn’t too bad and the happiness emanating from his mother makes it all worthwhile. 

“Hey,” Nate answers, bright and open.

“Just thought I’d call - check you haven’t fallen asleep in front of the TV with your hands in a nacho bowl.”

Nate laughs and Brad smiles. “That was one time Brad.”

“Never to be forgotten.”

“How are your folks? I bet they were thrilled to see you.”

“They’re good. My mother held me prisoner in the kitchen while she cooked and subjected me to the entire history of what’s been going on in the over 60s population of this town. But I took it like the Marine I am.” He can almost hear Nate smirking. “She also asked me a few questions about this friend I’d been visiting on the East Coast.”

“Oh yeah? What did you tell them?”

He takes a deep breath. “I told them it was you actually. My old platoon commander cum good friend.”

Brad waits as Nate is silent. He feels the flutters in his stomach as he starts the next part, “I actually told them that good friend didn’t quite cover it. They figured out the rest.”

Nate exhales loudly and Brad grips the phone tighter. “That’s...not what I was expecting. How did they take it?”

“Really good. Considering what I said next there was no other way to take it.”

“And what did you say?” Nate asks and then seems to check himself, “I mean, maybe that’s personal and really, you don’t have to share.” 

“Nate,” Brad stops him before he can stop him and before he loses his nerve. He has gone into battle more times than he cares to count, he has been shot at, done some shooting, felt the stomach drop out from him as he was sure that he faced certain death at least 10 different times, but none of that compares with what he feels now. “ I said that we were together, had been for around a year now. That you were one of the best men I knew and that you make me very happy. And I only hope I do the same for you.”

“Brad,” Nate’s voice is a whisper and then Brad continues, “She then insisted of course that I show her a picture of you and she said, and I quote, ‘he’s also very handsome dear’ end quote.”

Nate laughs softly on the other end, “Well, I’m sure it was the polite thing to say.”

“Listen, I have to go, they’re calling me back. I’m in the yard.”

“Wait Brad, Jesus - you can’t just say something like that and go.”

“Nate, I really do have to go and I just wanted to tell you...that. So you know cos I know that it’s been bothering you. Not knowing.”

“I’ll call you later tonight. Pick up ok?” Nate sounds happy and Brad can’t believe it took him so long to remove his head from his ass.

“I’ll be up.”

 

6

 

Brad makes sure he’s out when Mike is due to arrive at Nate’s. He’s giving them time to catch up before it gets awkward he tells himself and Nate but Nate just looks at him mildly not buying it at all but deciding not to call him out on it either.

He goes for a drive, wishing he had his bike instead, picks up some beer and a couple of bags of chips and slowly heads back. Nate had told him that Mike was going to be in Boston visiting his wife’s relatives and asked for an excuse to escape for an afternoon. This weekend was the first weekend in two months that Brad could get away for four days so they just had to figure it out. Brad knows intellectually that Mike would be fine, but he would still be the first Marine that would be formally told about this thing he has with Nate. Nate was going to do it whilst Brad was out.

“Intel is disseminated. All ok.” Brad looks down at his phone and sees the message from Nate. He’s a few blocks from the house and takes a deep breath and tells himself to not be such a fucking pussy. 

Mike is sprawled out on the couch with a beer in hand when Brad walks through the door. He gives him a shit-eating grin when he sees him and holds his beer aloft in greeting.

“Gunny.” Brad says before Mike can get a word in, cool as fuck.

“Brad. Good to see you Colbert. It’s been too fucking long.” He gets up and shakes Brad’s hand. Brad waits for it.

“You shacking up with Command huh? How the mighty have fallen.”

“It’s even worse than that Mike. Nate now sits at a desk all day pushing paper and forwarding emails as far as I can see, discussing how to make the world a better place. I’m truly ashamed. Of both him and myself.”

“Thanks Brad.” Nate says drily but there’s a smile on his face.

“Tell me one thing. Does Person know?”

“Not from me. What he thinks he knows is another thing entirely.”

Mike laughs gleefully and claps him on the back and congratulates him for fucks sake as if he’s getting married or something. He looks suitably unimpressed but something warm blooms in his belly. Nate excuses himself to the bathroom and it’s just Brad and Mike in the room.

“I wasn’t too surprised you know. You guys were not very subtle in Iraq.”

“Nothing happened in Iraq. Not even close.” Brad says quickly.

Mike raises his hands in surrender, “never suggested anything did. Just. A lot of things make sense now.”

Brad huffs and sinks down onto the couch. “Any news from the rest of the platoon?” he asks hoping to signal that the talking about feelings part of the evening is over.

The three of them shoot the shit for a couple of hours and Brad can tell that Mike is trying very hard to be totally accepting but Brad catches him watching Nate and him every now and then with a curious expression on his face, but no disgust as far has he can see. When he says goodbye he hugs Nate and shakes Brad’s hand before asking, 

“Can I tell Person?”

“Fuck no.” Brad says and Mike grins.

“Don’t worry boys, your secret is safe with me.”

Nate looks on the verge of saying something but he must see something in Brad’s eyes because he silences himself in time.

When it’s just them again he notices Nate watching him. “Mike’s always been cool. The others.” Brad stops, “I’m just not sure about the others.”

“Even Ray?”

“Ray will hop up and down with delight like a demented rabbit and be under the mistaken belief that he can be right about some things. You must understand how I can’t have that Nate.” Brad says and Nate’s smiling so his chest eases a little. 

Nate pulls him towards him and then pushes him towards the wall and then they’re kissing each other and pulling clothes off and it’s desperate and Brad’s not sure what’s brought this on for both of them. His whole body is tingling and Brad can’t believe this still happens after all these months.  
A while later they’re on the floor, panting side by side and Brad laces his hands through Nate’s, closes his eyes and feels almost ninety per cent at peace. Doesn’t know when the last ten per cent will come but for once he knows that it will.


End file.
